Thursday, October 23, 2014

When Being Weak is Being Strong

Good news folks.  I get to drop my chemo treatments down to once every 3 weeks.  That in itself is a minor miracle.  I'm stable.  Things aren't better, but they are not getting worse.  I am maintaining.  Which is good news. 

So why then am I not happier about this?  I am sitting here drinking my morning cup of joe, and I wonder. Why am I not happy, or content?  I don't feel like doing much, I don't want to leave the house, I have no motivation.  And realizing this, not only am I still angry, I'm depressed too.  So I have made an appointment with someone to help me deal with this, because I can't seem to do this on my own.  And that frustrates me a bit.  I'm a strong person, solid in what I am doing, and how I am dealing.  Except I'm not. 

Getting help is not a sign of weakness.  I know this. I've been to mental health a number of times over the years.  To deal with a bad break up, to make sure I am solid in why I've chosen to do something, and that I'm not being manipulated (a story for another time).  I've taken my son to get him help in dealing with his anger management issues. I believe in having a non biased source of help to deal with these things. Getting help is a good thing.

But this time it feels like I've failed.  I'm afraid to pick up a paint brush, because I don't want to see what I'll paint. I look in a mirror, and the person staring back is not me.  I am not me right now.  I am adrift. 

But not to worry, my sense of the ridiculous steps in and says...."its all the pink. You've never been fond of pink, and now its everywhere.  You are floating on a sea of pink." 

On a more positive note, I've booked an art retreat in Scotland for March, and will also get to see my crazy adventurous daughter in Belfast too.  I'm looking forward to that.  I'm also getting stuff ready for a couple of craft shows.  One here in Dauphin, and one in Rossburn. 

It is fall, my favourite time of year.  I am eagerly awaiting the release of Dragon Age Inquisition.  I've got lots of things and people to be thankful for.

I know I'll get through this one way or the other.  I always do.  With the help of my Army (previous post)  of course.  I definitely need to work on my world domination plans.  Anyone want to help me?


  1. Jenna, I see you actually exhibiting amazing strength in your sincere vulnerability. I am sorry that you are not feeling yourself although I can absolutely understand how you might feel so. You have a timebomb of a disease in your body, your amazing Emily is galavanting and Connor will be on his own soon also. It is a lot to go through. I get that not being up to expressing yourself thought your passion for art is tricky for you right now. Perhaps your Gallic art retreat will help. Are you planning on spending some time in London before you go to your retreat. I would recommend it. Many of the museums in London are free and if you stay in a hostel it could be a reasonable adventure. The National Gallery might give you some wonderful inspiration.

    The other thing I was thinking regarding your art was the value of faking it until you make it. What I mean is that perhaps there is value in going through the motion of creating even if you don't see the point. Eventually, the doing may trigger a breakthrough that your inactivity could not accomplish. In a way, I share a commonality with you here. I have stopped one of my creative outlets, blogging, because I am frustrated with the effort to impact of the activity. However, not doing any blogging produces even less results. Therefore, the logical step is to suck it up and begin again, even if I may not enjoy it at the moment or see the value.

  2. I'm not very fond of pink either. I am ridiculously fond of you, though.