Monday, September 29, 2014

Feeling Like a Thunderstorm

It has been a while since I've posted.  At first, I was adjusting to the new chemo regime.  New side effects, and different responses to the same drugs.  I have become accustomed, sort of.  I was also gone for a month to the Atlantic provinces.  A last family vacation before my daughter picked up and left for her Irish adventure. 

                                         Our campsite at Cumberland Cove, PEI

In trying to come to terms with the "terminal" nature of my cancer, I've had to come to grips with a lot of different emotions and thoughts and ideas.  I've had to deal with my disease and my own mortality, and how that affects my life. 

I'm finding this time that my feelings have become polarized.  I feel a renewed sense of wonder and beauty and living in the moment: very positive.  At the same time I feel very angry.  I still feel very angry.   It is hard to reconcile the two.  And I know, with the very logical analytical and practical part of me, that I have to deal with the anger.  I think acknowledging that it is there is a good first step.  I say hello to it every day.  "Hi anger," I say, "I know you are there, lurking in the background.  I am not going to pay attention to you, other then to let you know, I know you are there."  Its almost as if in acknowledging it, I've taken away its power.  But it still lurks.  And I know at some point I will have to deal with it. 

                                     I feel like a thunderstorm most of the time

In the mean time, I am trying to get myself into a routine, and get more intentioned with my art.  To create an artistic practice.  It is not easy for me.  I live a fairly chaotic life, and fitting something that routine into my life is difficult.  Routine is a habit.  And an artistic practice is routine.  I think.

I'm also plotting my next adventure.  I get to take breaks from chemo a few times a year.  I have a couple of standing invitations.  I'm debating about visiting or taking some me time for an art retreat.  Just me.  I'm kind of leaning towards the art retreat.  I'm finding that as time goes on, I'm becoming more hermit like.  And for some reason, I like it.