Thursday, December 27, 2012

What's my word?

So 2012 is coming to an end. What a frickin year. Sorry but it was. It was just one year ago Christmas Day that I had emergency surgery and found out I had colon cancer.

It's been a long hard year and I'm still dealing with the fall out - emotionally, physically and financially. I know I should be feeling more grateful at this point. I mean I survived right? The cancer is gone and I'm slowly putting my life back together. I'm in a new relationship with someone who is crazy about me, my relationships with my children are improving steadily. I'm back working. I have an art show in February. What's not to be thankful for?

And yet..... I'm not. Not really. I'm feeling kind of angry and picked on and resentful.
And I don't understand why. I went through these feelings with my initial diagnosis and again during chemo. I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling this way. I'm entitled to feel the way I'm feeling. I just wish I understood the why better.

I have joined a group called Wild Soul Arts and am taking a Book of Days art journaling course through that. I am hoping that I will be able to better cope with and understand where I'm at with all these emotional left overs.

One of the things that Effy (our fearless facilitator) suggests is finding a word that speaks to you and working with that word throughout the year. To pick something that embodies the person or direction you wish to move towards. There are a few words that call to me: "grace" "openness" "acceptance" "healing". They all speak but none sticks out more then another. I will have to do some more thinking about this.

I know that things work out the way they are supposed to and that everything happens for a reason. And understanding and accepting those reasons and that path is how we grow. I believe that, I have faith in that. But I'm only human and sometimes it takes a while and frustration and anger and resentment are all apart of that.

I am looking forward to this course very much and to see what my book of days turns out to be. And discovering what my word is.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Next Steps

OK, so its been quite some time since I've done anything with my blog.  Life got very difficult as my chemo treatments where heading in to the final stretch.  Apparently the effects of chemo are cumulative.  I'm sure someone told me that at the start but I guess I chose to forget that tidbit of info.

The good news is that chemo finished up in August and I am free and clear.  At least for the moment.  My CT scan came back clear and the markers that they test for in the blood, while high are stable.  I will have to continue to have blood tests, colonoscopies and ct scans fairly frequently for the rest of my life, but its a small price to pay for being alive and kicking.  I also can officially say I'm in remission in 5 years time.  Its a bit of a ways a way, but that's OK.

I've gone back to work part time, just waiting for my surgery date in March so I can get my plumbing hooked back up.  For the record, although the chemo made me sick, dealing with a colostomy is much more aggravating. 

I have also embarked on a new art adventure.  I am taking Effy Wild's Book of Days premium course starting December 31.   I am so excited.  She has some courses included when you sign up that you can access right away.  I've already learned how to bind my own journals.  Finicky but not difficult.

I will try and post more regularly and hopefully it will be more positive soul searching stuff.  More art, more living. 

I hope you will still be with me as I take the next steps on my journey called life!