It's been a long hard year and I'm still dealing with the fall out - emotionally, physically and financially. I know I should be feeling more grateful at this point. I mean I survived right? The cancer is gone and I'm slowly putting my life back together. I'm in a new relationship with someone who is crazy about me, my relationships with my children are improving steadily. I'm back working. I have an art show in February. What's not to be thankful for?
And yet..... I'm not. Not really. I'm feeling kind of angry and picked on and resentful.
And I don't understand why. I went through these feelings with my initial diagnosis and again during chemo. I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling this way. I'm entitled to feel the way I'm feeling. I just wish I understood the why better.
I have joined a group called Wild Soul Arts and am taking a Book of Days art journaling course through that. I am hoping that I will be able to better cope with and understand where I'm at with all these emotional left overs.
One of the things that Effy (our fearless facilitator) suggests is finding a word that speaks to you and working with that word throughout the year. To pick something that embodies the person or direction you wish to move towards. There are a few words that call to me: "grace" "openness" "acceptance" "healing". They all speak but none sticks out more then another. I will have to do some more thinking about this.
I know that things work out the way they are supposed to and that everything happens for a reason. And understanding and accepting those reasons and that path is how we grow. I believe that, I have faith in that. But I'm only human and sometimes it takes a while and frustration and anger and resentment are all apart of that.
I am looking forward to this course very much and to see what my book of days turns out to be. And discovering what my word is.
I have missed your sweet post.... your word will find you... sit back enjoy a slow cup of coffee, tea or hot coco.... listen quietly with your heart... it is there whispering to you...
ReplyDeletewell said Jenna, not all of us have the courage to bare our stuff as you do, and what you said really needs to be said. so thankyou for sharing - i admire that in you because it draws me and others out of our little protective privacy shells. gutsy - that's my word for you. hugs from your friend Jan
ReplyDeleteI'm just winding down Book of Days 2012. It was the perfect thing for me to do this year. It was my first year after a divorce. I used "Discover" for my word and was fretting over the fact that it didn't make much of an appearance in my pages - UNTIL I looked at the book as a whole. There it was.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can let that part rest for the first few weeks and let it come to you as you art. Whatever you do, this will be a wonderful part of your life.
I'm not continuing with BOD 2013 - at least formally, but instead I will continue art journalling in several books. While one dries, I'm working on another, etc.
Blessings to you!
Oh Jenna, How did I not realize that you have a blog?
ReplyDeleteI will be sure to get back here.
I have been feeling rather down myself this holiday season, also due to a rather rough year, and being very lonely due to perpetual singledom and no chance of ever having a family.
I realized this weekend, that we can do damage by constantly counting our blessings and looking on the bright side of things. We have to acknowledge that we don't feel good when bad things happen and this is when we most need to forgive ourselves for our feelings.
I too am looking forward to BOD this coming year and focusing on my word for 2012 which is "Action" since I spent most of 2012 sitting on my ass feeling crappy and not being able to move forward to fix the things in my life which are making it unpleasant.
I am so very grateful that you are healthy again, but I am also hopeing that you will embrace your right to be angry, sad, scream cry and throw paint around until you are totally healed.
Blessings beautiful lady!
You have survived one hell of a year! So glad to hear you are doing well! You have been fighting a tough battle from all angles! Maybe you are just beginning to process the whole thing! Now things are quiet and you are realizing just how much you have been through! Don't dwell too long! Life is too short!
ReplyDeleteCheers and here's to a New Year!
Jen Balchen
I would choose tricky. It's cute and cuddly yet simultaneously menacing. In a world brooding with economic cliffs and malaise and the the continuing presence of justin beaver, tricky may be the perfect descriptor for 2013.
ReplyDeleteHI Jenna, you have had a tough year...and you have come far. The only suggestion I have for you is to try and stay in the "now". The moment we are drawn into the past it affects us emotionally and soon bitterness and resentment creeps in to steal your peace and your joy.
ReplyDeleteWishing you much peace and joy for 2013.
xx
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?
Thanks,
Cameron
cameronvsj(at)gmail.com