It's been a while since my last post. At least it feels like it to me. This last round of chemo seems to have hit harder then the others. My main issue this time is all the sleeping I do. I know that chemo kills good cells along with the bad cells and if I'm sleeping all the time because my blood cells need to regenerate then it must be working. But it's very much taking that statement in faith. I have no proof to say yes this is working.
I've never been much on organized religion. I totally understand what faith and church mean to other people. The sense of community of belonging. Its very powerful. It's just not for me.
I still struggle sometimes in what my belief and faith are. As much as I'm a science geek I firmly believe in a greater power. I'm just not sure what that power is. Is it God, Budda, fate karma or some Alien species? I don't know. But that's part of what faith is. Believing without knowing, without proof. I do know everything has a purpose and that everything happens for a reason. I just have this compulsion to know what the reason is. It makes for interesting late night conversations with myself.
I don't believe that reason and faith are mutually exclusive. They actually complement each other. It's the blind faith I have issues with. And I'm sort of stuck in a position where I have to take things on blind faith. It's a rather scary position to be in.
So I nap and think and struggle. And nap. And nap some more. Mostly nap.
Sometimes I think trees must have the answer. Their long life gives them a perspective unlike anything else. If only I spoke tree. Ah well. I will continue to leave my doors open and question and believe and have faith that yes there is a reason and yes the chemo is working. And Nap!
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