Thursday, October 23, 2014

When Being Weak is Being Strong

Good news folks.  I get to drop my chemo treatments down to once every 3 weeks.  That in itself is a minor miracle.  I'm stable.  Things aren't better, but they are not getting worse.  I am maintaining.  Which is good news. 

So why then am I not happier about this?  I am sitting here drinking my morning cup of joe, and I wonder. Why am I not happy, or content?  I don't feel like doing much, I don't want to leave the house, I have no motivation.  And realizing this, not only am I still angry, I'm depressed too.  So I have made an appointment with someone to help me deal with this, because I can't seem to do this on my own.  And that frustrates me a bit.  I'm a strong person, solid in what I am doing, and how I am dealing.  Except I'm not. 

Getting help is not a sign of weakness.  I know this. I've been to mental health a number of times over the years.  To deal with a bad break up, to make sure I am solid in why I've chosen to do something, and that I'm not being manipulated (a story for another time).  I've taken my son to get him help in dealing with his anger management issues. I believe in having a non biased source of help to deal with these things. Getting help is a good thing.

But this time it feels like I've failed.  I'm afraid to pick up a paint brush, because I don't want to see what I'll paint. I look in a mirror, and the person staring back is not me.  I am not me right now.  I am adrift. 

But not to worry, my sense of the ridiculous steps in and says...."its all the pink. You've never been fond of pink, and now its everywhere.  You are floating on a sea of pink." 

On a more positive note, I've booked an art retreat in Scotland for March, and will also get to see my crazy adventurous daughter in Belfast too.  I'm looking forward to that.  I'm also getting stuff ready for a couple of craft shows.  One here in Dauphin, and one in Rossburn. 

It is fall, my favourite time of year.  I am eagerly awaiting the release of Dragon Age Inquisition.  I've got lots of things and people to be thankful for.

I know I'll get through this one way or the other.  I always do.  With the help of my Army (previous post)  of course.  I definitely need to work on my world domination plans.  Anyone want to help me?