When Being Weak is Being Strong

Good news folks.  I get to drop my chemo treatments down to once every 3 weeks.  That in itself is a minor miracle.  I'm stable.  Things aren't better, but they are not getting worse.  I am maintaining.  Which is good news. 

So why then am I not happier about this?  I am sitting here drinking my morning cup of joe, and I wonder. Why am I not happy, or content?  I don't feel like doing much, I don't want to leave the house, I have no motivation.  And realizing this, not only am I still angry, I'm depressed too.  So I have made an appointment with someone to help me deal with this, because I can't seem to do this on my own.  And that frustrates me a bit.  I'm a strong person, solid in what I am doing, and how I am dealing.  Except I'm not. 

Getting help is not a sign of weakness.  I know this. I've been to mental health a number of times over the years.  To deal with a bad break up, to make sure I am solid in why I've chosen to do something, and that I'm not being manipulated (a story for another time).  I've taken my son to get him help in dealing with his anger management issues. I believe in having a non biased source of help to deal with these things. Getting help is a good thing.

But this time it feels like I've failed.  I'm afraid to pick up a paint brush, because I don't want to see what I'll paint. I look in a mirror, and the person staring back is not me.  I am not me right now.  I am adrift. 

But not to worry, my sense of the ridiculous steps in and says...."its all the pink. You've never been fond of pink, and now its everywhere.  You are floating on a sea of pink." 

On a more positive note, I've booked an art retreat in Scotland for March, and will also get to see my crazy adventurous daughter in Belfast too.  I'm looking forward to that.  I'm also getting stuff ready for a couple of craft shows.  One here in Dauphin, and one in Rossburn. 

It is fall, my favourite time of year.  I am eagerly awaiting the release of Dragon Age Inquisition.  I've got lots of things and people to be thankful for.

I know I'll get through this one way or the other.  I always do.  With the help of my Army (previous post)  of course.  I definitely need to work on my world domination plans.  Anyone want to help me?

 

 

Feeling Like a Thunderstorm

It has been a while since I've posted.  At first, I was adjusting to the new chemo regime.  New side effects, and different responses to the same drugs.  I have become accustomed, sort of.  I was also gone for a month to the Atlantic provinces.  A last family vacation before my daughter picked up and left for her Irish adventure. 

                                         Our campsite at Cumberland Cove, PEI

In trying to come to terms with the "terminal" nature of my cancer, I've had to come to grips with a lot of different emotions and thoughts and ideas.  I've had to deal with my disease and my own mortality, and how that affects my life. 

I'm finding this time that my feelings have become polarized.  I feel a renewed sense of wonder and beauty and living in the moment: very positive.  At the same time I feel very angry.  I still feel very angry.   It is hard to reconcile the two.  And I know, with the very logical analytical and practical part of me, that I have to deal with the anger.  I think acknowledging that it is there is a good first step.  I say hello to it every day.  "Hi anger," I say, "I know you are there, lurking in the background.  I am not going to pay attention to you, other then to let you know, I know you are there."  Its almost as if in acknowledging it, I've taken away its power.  But it still lurks.  And I know at some point I will have to deal with it. 

                                     I feel like a thunderstorm most of the time

In the mean time, I am trying to get myself into a routine, and get more intentioned with my art.  To create an artistic practice.  It is not easy for me.  I live a fairly chaotic life, and fitting something that routine into my life is difficult.  Routine is a habit.  And an artistic practice is routine.  I think.

I'm also plotting my next adventure.  I get to take breaks from chemo a few times a year.  I have a couple of standing invitations.  I'm debating about visiting or taking some me time for an art retreat.  Just me.  I'm kind of leaning towards the art retreat.  I'm finding that as time goes on, I'm becoming more hermit like.  And for some reason, I like it.

My Army

Yup, you read right. I have an army. I didn't realize I had one, but I do.  World domination here I come. 

I've been feeling pretty lonely and depressed lately. It's finally starting to sink in that chemo and cancer are a fact of life for me, for the rest of my life. However long that will be. I haven't asked, and no one has said. And really, I'd rather not know. If you live in the moment, then how many moments you have is truly not relevant. The important part is to be present in every single moment you have. 

Back to my army.  My army consists of my family, my friends-whether I have met you or not-, people I work with, and my treatment team. It's a pretty big army. 

I just wanted to say thank you. I really couldn't do this with out you. You keep me positive. And positive is important. I can not say it enough so I will say it again. Thank you

Now, let us go forth and conquer!