Feeling Like a Thunderstorm

It has been a while since I've posted.  At first, I was adjusting to the new chemo regime.  New side effects, and different responses to the same drugs.  I have become accustomed, sort of.  I was also gone for a month to the Atlantic provinces.  A last family vacation before my daughter picked up and left for her Irish adventure. 

                                         Our campsite at Cumberland Cove, PEI

In trying to come to terms with the "terminal" nature of my cancer, I've had to come to grips with a lot of different emotions and thoughts and ideas.  I've had to deal with my disease and my own mortality, and how that affects my life. 

I'm finding this time that my feelings have become polarized.  I feel a renewed sense of wonder and beauty and living in the moment: very positive.  At the same time I feel very angry.  I still feel very angry.   It is hard to reconcile the two.  And I know, with the very logical analytical and practical part of me, that I have to deal with the anger.  I think acknowledging that it is there is a good first step.  I say hello to it every day.  "Hi anger," I say, "I know you are there, lurking in the background.  I am not going to pay attention to you, other then to let you know, I know you are there."  Its almost as if in acknowledging it, I've taken away its power.  But it still lurks.  And I know at some point I will have to deal with it. 

                                     I feel like a thunderstorm most of the time

In the mean time, I am trying to get myself into a routine, and get more intentioned with my art.  To create an artistic practice.  It is not easy for me.  I live a fairly chaotic life, and fitting something that routine into my life is difficult.  Routine is a habit.  And an artistic practice is routine.  I think.

I'm also plotting my next adventure.  I get to take breaks from chemo a few times a year.  I have a couple of standing invitations.  I'm debating about visiting or taking some me time for an art retreat.  Just me.  I'm kind of leaning towards the art retreat.  I'm finding that as time goes on, I'm becoming more hermit like.  And for some reason, I like it.

My Army

Yup, you read right. I have an army. I didn't realize I had one, but I do.  World domination here I come. 

I've been feeling pretty lonely and depressed lately. It's finally starting to sink in that chemo and cancer are a fact of life for me, for the rest of my life. However long that will be. I haven't asked, and no one has said. And really, I'd rather not know. If you live in the moment, then how many moments you have is truly not relevant. The important part is to be present in every single moment you have. 

Back to my army.  My army consists of my family, my friends-whether I have met you or not-, people I work with, and my treatment team. It's a pretty big army. 

I just wanted to say thank you. I really couldn't do this with out you. You keep me positive. And positive is important. I can not say it enough so I will say it again. Thank you

Now, let us go forth and conquer!

Glorious Contradictions.

2013 was an odd year to say the least. Except it wasn't. Life is all about endings and beginnings. I think the oddness was because the beginnings and endings were... life changing....extreme. Except they weren't. 

2013 saw the loss of my mother.  But in that loss began a totally new relationship with my dad. 

2013 saw the last of the remenants of my battle with colon cancer turn to battle scars. Alas, it was only a battle and not the war: the cancer has spread and chemo is now a fact of life for me. 

My children are growing up and becoming functioning, contributing adults. That is totally wonderful and I'm so proud. And I can't, for the life of me, figure out how in the heck I managed to influence that. 

Our extended Family is growing with another niece/nephew on the way.  

2013 wasn't a bad year, it wasn't a good year. It was life!  Glorious, frustrating, happy, sad, life. A roller coaster, a fire, a nap.  I don't think I'd know what to do if it was any other way. 

Celebrate life my friends, in all it's glorious contradictions. It's what it's all about. 

The Facts

I've never had to struggle to find words before. These past 16 months have been some of the hardest of my life. And would have been harder if not for the support and love of a few special people, including my mom.

My mom passed away Monday, April 15th. She was 64 years old and her heart just stopped working. She died as she lived: on her own terms and with my dad by her side. These are the facts.

It still doesn't seem real. I mean my brain knows she is gone. But every time I have a question or need to vent or just want to hear her voice, I can't just pick up the phone and call. And neither can the kids. These are the facts.

She died knowing everything was ok with her kids. All of us. Lives on track and headed in a positive way. She died having spent time with all her grandchildren. She died having had a full life. She died having known the love of her life for 50 years (3 days shy of the anniversary of that first date). She died having taught her children to live the lives they want and to accept nothing less. She died. These are the facts.

The truth is that all these facts don't go far enough to soothe the ache or fill the empty place. But it's a start and I know that the pain will pass. These are the facts.

I will always miss her, and that is not just a fact, but a truth.

Battle Scars are Cool

February, a new month and one month closer to spring. Although I have to say winter isn't that bad. Sure it's cold and windy at times and there is lots of snow (at least in Manitoba), but there is an upside. No mosquitoes! But that's true of anything I suppose, there is always a silver lining, an upside, one positive amongst the negative. Admittedly it's hard to see sometimes but it is there.

I just finished watching week six video of Book of Days, and Effy, our hostess is not feeling the winter weather at all. And yet without that feeling of blah she wouldn't have created a beautiful colourful playful tree.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. Maybe it's in the search for the elusive positive that we can find that which makes us content. That was a bit on the philosophical side wasn't it? I think I need more coffee.

On the more practical side, my current (and only fingers crossed) bout with cancer is almost at an end. The chemo is done and all that's left is the surgery to re-hook up my plumbing. March 14th and all visible signs of my battle will be gone. Well almost all. I will have the scars, but hey battle scars are cool!

There is something cathartic in being able to point to a scar and say "I got this one fighting the evil cancer dragon. He may have got me good but I'm here and he isn't!"

What's my word?

So 2012 is coming to an end. What a frickin year. Sorry but it was. It was just one year ago Christmas Day that I had emergency surgery and found out I had colon cancer.

It's been a long hard year and I'm still dealing with the fall out - emotionally, physically and financially. I know I should be feeling more grateful at this point. I mean I survived right? The cancer is gone and I'm slowly putting my life back together. I'm in a new relationship with someone who is crazy about me, my relationships with my children are improving steadily. I'm back working. I have an art show in February. What's not to be thankful for?

And yet..... I'm not. Not really. I'm feeling kind of angry and picked on and resentful.
And I don't understand why. I went through these feelings with my initial diagnosis and again during chemo. I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling this way. I'm entitled to feel the way I'm feeling. I just wish I understood the why better.

I have joined a group called Wild Soul Arts and am taking a Book of Days art journaling course through that. I am hoping that I will be able to better cope with and understand where I'm at with all these emotional left overs.

One of the things that Effy (our fearless facilitator) suggests is finding a word that speaks to you and working with that word throughout the year. To pick something that embodies the person or direction you wish to move towards. There are a few words that call to me: "grace" "openness" "acceptance" "healing". They all speak but none sticks out more then another. I will have to do some more thinking about this.

I know that things work out the way they are supposed to and that everything happens for a reason. And understanding and accepting those reasons and that path is how we grow. I believe that, I have faith in that. But I'm only human and sometimes it takes a while and frustration and anger and resentment are all apart of that.

I am looking forward to this course very much and to see what my book of days turns out to be. And discovering what my word is.

Off the Beaten Path

Ok so I haven't posted for a while. Today is another chemo day. Treatment #9 of 12. Almost done. As long as they don't keep pushing it back. That's what happened last week. My blood work was low so the gave me an extra week.

But I don't want to talk about my cancer this week.

Today I want to talk about art. Specifically this online course I'm taking from Linda Womak. She's an encaustic artist from Portland Oregon and her work is amazing. Check her work out here: http://www.lindawomack.com/
There is also a link to her online classes.

The class I'm taking is all about collage. I started out ok following step by step. And then something amazing happened. The wax flowed into this really cool bird shape and I just had to run with it. I did manage to collage in some book pages for a nest but that was all.

It was a little life lesson I think. Even though I was following this specific path something happened to take me in a totally different direction. And that's ok. I was open to it. It's a little bit scary sometimes to take a step off that path, but the rewards can be amazing.

I don't know what I am going to do once all this cancer stuff is done. I need to get back to work but what that will look like, I'm not sure. Do I go back to what I know? Or do I try something completely different? I know I need to make money. That's the reality. But how I do that is wide open at this point. I will just have to wait and see what life has planned for me and keep my eyes open for those unexpected steps off the beaten path

Naps, Reason, Faith and More Naps!

It's been a while since my last post. At least it feels like it to me. This last round of chemo seems to have hit harder then the others. My main issue this time is all the sleeping I do. I know that chemo kills good cells along with the bad cells and if I'm sleeping all the time because my blood cells need to regenerate then it must be working. But it's very much taking that statement in faith. I have no proof to say yes this is working.

I've never been much on organized religion. I totally understand what faith and church mean to other people. The sense of community of belonging. Its very powerful. It's just not for me.

I still struggle sometimes in what my belief and faith are. As much as I'm a science geek I firmly believe in a greater power. I'm just not sure what that power is. Is it God, Budda, fate karma or some Alien species? I don't know. But that's part of what faith is. Believing without knowing, without proof. I do know everything has a purpose and that everything happens for a reason. I just have this compulsion to know what the reason is. It makes for interesting late night conversations with myself.

I don't believe that reason and faith are mutually exclusive. They actually complement each other. It's the blind faith I have issues with. And I'm sort of stuck in a position where I have to take things on blind faith. It's a rather scary position to be in.

So I nap and think and struggle. And nap. And nap some more. Mostly nap.

Sometimes I think trees must have the answer. Their long life gives them a perspective unlike anything else. If only I spoke tree. Ah well. I will continue to leave my doors open and question and believe and have faith that yes there is a reason and yes the chemo is working. And Nap!

Oh Where Did My Mojo Go?

It's been a while since I posted on here. I think I've hit a bit of a motivational roadblock.

I was supposed to have chemo last Monday but they pushed it to tomorrow. Said my blood levels were too low and I needed an extra week to heal. That really threw me for a loop. I'm more of a if this is what's needed lets do it and get done kind of gal. I just want chemo to be done.

Cancer is hard because it's pretty much hidden. Chemo makes you unwell and the side effects are no fun but unless you have the more visible side effects you could conceivably hide it from everyone.

I don't like to hide things so when people I know ask me how I'm doing I say very tired. When they ask why I tell them. They all react differently. I suppose it could be considered not nice to spring that in a casual conversation, but it shouldn't be. Cancer is far more prevalent then I knew. Lots of people have had it.

I'm not trying to make light of it, it is a serious disease which can be fatal. But so can crossing the street, or flying in a plane or walking in a thunderstorm. It's all about the odds. And I've never really paid attention to them. I don't even know what my odds are with my cancer. Lol. The doctor didn't need to use them to convince me to take chemo. And I don't want to know. I want to focus on living. How long I live is up to fate; it's what I do with the life I have that's important.

It's been an interesting trip so far. I'm discovering what I can and can't do during treatment. I'm learning to say no and I miss working something fierce. I'm filling up the not working thing with art and putting on the odd workshop at the local art centre but for someone who is a working single mom it's hard to have free time.

I think that plays into my lack of motivation. Or maybe it's just a stage that too will pass.

Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll get my mojo back. In the meantime I'm entertaining myself with online dating. Ha! I can't believe how many guys don't know how to read. I get responses from guys looking to hook up when I say I'm not interested in hooking up. It's way too funny. I think I might have to do another post on my adventures in the online dating world.

In My Own Backyard

Another May long weekend has come and gone. This year a little different. No camping. Missed out on that last year but that was flood and work related. This year totally due to lack of energy. And active participation from my kids. They used to love camping but now? They are teenagers and it's hard to adjust to that. I miss my little kids. Lol. I suppose they have to grow up sometime!

I spent most of the weekend sleeping although I did manage to get to the Farm Gate Market on Saturday. Its put on by the Riding Mountain Biosphere Preserve (we have a Unesco designated area right in our own back yard. How cool is that?) promoting local producers and artisans. http://rmbr.ca/

I'm amazed at what you find locally and how passionate and inspiring people are. I met a lady who has Mongolian yurts. Its an artist retreat. Check out her website. I think it would be fun. http://www.journeyhomeartistretreat.ca/Home_Page.html

I wish I had taken pics on Saturday but I was too busy talking to people. Finding out what inspires people and why they do what they do! My daughter was just shaking her head but I think she was a little bit impressed too! Maybe.

All in all it was a good weekend. Even with no campfire!

I did buy a nifty new purse and made a donation to get some native prairie cone flowers. Whoo hoo!

Unpacked Boxes

Chemo is coming up again on Monday. I'm trying not to think about that too much. This morning the sun is shining, the dogs are with me and I'm enjoying a peaceful cup of coffee on my front porch. I say peaceful because I only have one teenager home. The other went to a sleep over. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. But teenagers are NOT peaceful.

I've been sitting here contemplating many things. Not deep thinking. A person can only handle so much of that. But more practical and prosaic thoughts like what to have for breakfast and I really need to finish reorganizing upstairs so I can get back to arting. And what the heck is my dog staring at. I don't see anything.

It was a busy crazy couple of weeks. I entered a couple of my art pieces in the Juried art show which of course was during chemo week. My son started ball again and had his first game Thursday. I had an art morning session with the gals from the Dauphin Art Group. And I decided it was time to move my art stuff out of the kitchen and create my own studio space.

I am a habitual pack rat with the potential to become a hoarder. I've got boxes that have moved with me for the past 13 years but I've never unpacked them. I decided it was time to deal with it. Of course I decide this every couple of months or so and never do anything about it.

But this week was different. It's a been a good week energy wise. And for some reason I'm actually doing it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm craving my own space or I'm using it as a surrogate for cleaning out emotionally. There are still a lot of unpacked boxes hiding in corners in my mind that need to be dealt with. But dealing with the emotional is draining so dealing with the physical is a good substitute.

This whole cleaning and getting rid of stuff is turning out to be surprisingly freeing. And the bonus is I'll have a room all to myself to create or just hang out in and wonder what the heck my dog is staring at!

Crying in the Middle of the Kitchen Floor

Another week, another round of Chemo.  It seems almost like a never ending cycle.  And each time I go for chemo, they keep tweaking my extra drugs to manage my side effects.  Some weeks are better than others. I have eventually graduated to the expensive pills.  Fortunately for me, and other cancer patients, the Manitoba government is now covering all cancer drugs including the all side effect management ones.  Go Manitoba go.  Of course they still don't pay for genetic testing for colon cancers, only for breast or ovarian.  And yet more people get colon cancer than breast or ovarian.  I guess colon cancer isn't pink enough. HA! 

I apologize if this post isn't as positive or cheery or thoughtful as my other ones.  Its just sometimes the going is tougher than others and it is much harder to maintain a positive attitude when those weeks hit.  But it is all a part of the journey. Some days will be harder, and crying in the middle of the kitchen floor seems like a far more appropriate response than finding the lighter side. 

I do try to find positives in those weeks.  It helps sometimes.  I've managed to get my self hooked into doing a huge craft sale in October.  I had to send in photos of my work to get accepted. Holy crazy batman, what have I done to myself?  But it does give me something to focus on that has nothing to do with my cancer.  I think that is helpful, is finding things that have nothing to do with the cancer and just going for it.  I think I'm crazy to do this craft show.  I don't have near enough art, but again, it will give me something to do, and I have lots of time to get ready. 

I think you have to maintain as much of a life outside the cancer as you can.  Things to do and focus on.  Maybe not what you normally do, but something.  Do what you like when you can. Its way better than sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and crying.

Things will get better, I know they will.  Sometimes its harder to see that then others.

I promise the next blog post will be way better. I'm participating in a blog hop.  Should be lots of fun.

Here's some info on it.  This is a group of wonderful creative ladies who are supportive and positive and just fantabulous.  Check back May 5th and join the fun.

Leaving the Front Door Open

I got asked on my last post in what way has cancer changed the way I look at my life and what I see differently then I did before.  Friends always ask the difficult questions. At least Greg does. 

I have to admit that this is not my first brush with a life changing event.  A couple of years ago I ended up being life flighted to Winnipeg for emergency repairs.  I lost over half my blood volume to sheer stupidity on my part.  I won't go into details. I don't regret what I did, but it certainly wasn't one of the smarter things I've done.  Lying in the hospital bed after surgery, I had a lot of time to think on what was important to me, and I came to the conclusion that relationships were. 

Family is funny.  You love them, but a lot of times you don't like them, and sometimes you say and do things to family members that you would never say and do to your friends, colleagues, strangers.  I just shake my head thinking of all that wasted time.  At that point in my life I started to repair the relationships that had fallen by the wayside because it was easier to let them go, then to try and fix them.  It wasn't easy.  There was a lot of animosity and anger and hurt, some of it legitimately my fault.  Some of it was by association; families are complicated.  I went into this whole endeavour with the idea that I didn't want to go back to the way our relationship was before things went south, but to start a new one.  Accept responsibility for my actions, apologize, and make a concerted attempt to start anew.  I am very happy to say, its worked more or less.  I also decided to put in as much effort as the other person was willing to, and accept that is the way its going to be.  Its rather freeing to accept people for who they are.  Sometimes I backslide, but its a lot easier now to not get hurt because someone doesn't email me back.  Their reasons have nothing to do with me.  That was a hard lesson to get through, but it was easier once I realized that when I didn't contact people it was because of my issues, not theirs.

So that was the beginning of the change in the way of looking at the world and my life.  I am not the centre of the universe.  As much as I like to think I am, I am not.  I started looking at what was really important to me.  What did I need to live a happy and satisfied life.  I changed jobs, I started doing things I'd not done before.  I opened myself up to new experiences and new people.  Its been an awesome change.  Another point for serendipity. 

Then cancer, and once again I'm realizing that life is way too short, and anything can happen.  I am starting to see that living each day as if its your last is not a bad way to live.  But I'm trying hard to live it unselfishly.  Its hard.  Really hard.  I can't be there reliably for my children, my family, my friends, work.  It is all about me right now, and its very hard to balance that.

I'm starting to notice details..things I never really seen before, like hawks, and bugs, and how beautiful everything is. And of course the crazy things my two labs do.  Like how Gracie sleeps.

I am more appreciative of the support from friends and family and people I don't know all that well.  And I'm letting them help me.  I find that although I don't have the energy to do  things to help people, I am more free with kind and supportive words.  It really does come back to you. 

I'm thinking of things I can do to make my piece of the planet a better one.  We recycle more.  I'm looking at doing a garden this year.  Not a full blown one, but containers.  I'm buying more local and more in season things.  That is harder to do when you are on a fixed budget, but every little bit helps.  Also, because of the side effects of my treatment, there are only certain things I can eat, so its harder to buy local and seasonal, but I try. 

I am starting to do things that I enjoy, and to learn new things like sketching!  Things that bring me peace and happiness.  I plan on exploring in my own back yard this summer.  I may not be able to get in much camping, but day trips are fun, and I'll take my camera and my sketch book, and my kids (if they want to) and just go explore Riding Mountain National Park.  Its 10 minutes from my house to the south gate.  Last spring and fall, I went on a photo safari with Celes Davar of Earth Rhythms as a birthday present for each of my kids.  I never knew what was in my own back yard. Prairie flowers and Beautiful Girl.

I'm not sure how much any of this makes sense.  I'm still struggling with the why me, but as each day goes by I think less of why me and more of what's around me and what I have to be thankful for.  I'm alive, and I have wonderful family and friends and colleagues and acquaintances who inspire me.  I live in a beautiful province with amazing nature and culture and people in my very own back yard.  Just last week ( I think it was last week)  I went to a house concert and met the most amazing poet, Shane Koyczan.  That man took us on a very personal journey of his childhood that had us laughing and crying all in the space of less than 10 minutes. I would go as far as to call him a wordsmith.  A year ago, I never would have even thought to go to a house concert, never mind go see a poet. 

I think this is what has changed in how I look at my life and how I see things differently.  I am leaving my front door open to the possibilities and wonder that are all around me.

Feet in a Cowpie

Chemo Days. Sounds like some kind of fair or celebration. And I suppose in some ways it is a celebration. Today is treatment 3 of 12. I could look at it and say damn, 9 more to go. Or I could say I am a 1/4 of the way on my journey to being cancer free.

My cousin Megan just finished her treatments for colon cancer and she looks at her cancer differently then I do. She always states "I had cancer. The surgery removed the cancer, the treatments are to make sure it doesn't come back." I admire that attitude. And if I'm honest, envy it a bit too.

My attitude is different. I have cancer and the treatments are to get rid of it. Realistically I know that my cancer (even if I never get another tumor) will always be a part of my life now. It's changing how I live my life and how I look at the world.

Chemo treatments are difficult. I don't like feeling unwell and it's hard to justify making myself feel this way when I have no other symptoms. Logically I know that this is what I need to do, but emotionally it makes no sense.

So I make a conscious choice to look at the positive and ignore the negative. I have this fridge magnet that embraces this philosophy. "feet in a cowpie, head in the clouds"

It's a great way to live. I know the difficulties and challenges but I choose to keep my dreams and my head in the clouds!

Serendipity

Serendipity is the accident of finding something good or useful without looking for it.  I actually had to look that up.  Serendipity is a beautiful thing, but trying to define it is difficult.  We've all had these moments.  The unlooked for happiness that happens by accident.  An unintended consequence. 

I was sitting in the chemo room on Monday getting treatment and I was trying to occupy myself.  I'm taking a an online art course right now called the Art of Wild Abandonment.  Its a bit of a stretch for me.  I just recently found my arty self.  I've always been a science geek, analytical, logical.  I was taught you were either one or the other, and never should the two meet. Ha!  It turns out the arty side of my brain has been just waiting to get out.  I do however stress one thing and that is that I do not draw.  Its a bit of a mental block for me.  Art yes, colour yes, cut, stencils, trace etc yes.  Draw no.  I decided to take this course because the instructor Junelle Jacobson is an absolute sweet heart who manages to take the fear out of this whole process.  She even calls it sketching.  Now logically I know that sketching and drawing are the same thing, but sketching is a less scary word.  So I'm doing it.  And its not as scary as I thought it would be.

Chemo is turning out like that. Unpleasant yes, uncomfortable yes, down right miserable sometimes yes.  But scary?  Not so much.

Where was I going with this?  Oh yes, I'm sitting in my comfy chair, reclining and sketching and the word "serendipity" just popped into my head.  I'm still trying to figure out why.  I signed up for the course in November, before I got diagnosed.  Is that accident?  No I don't thing so.  I think the accident is my cancer.  And the unlooked for good or usefulness is coming from taking the time to really do the things that give me happiness, like sketching!  who knew?  I certainly didn't.

I'm finding myself looking forward to the unintended good and happiness that will come from this accident, and all unlooked for.  Serendipity. 

I think I'm going to have to rent that movie...I've heard its good and I really like John Cusak. 

Jenna