Beyond the Surface

I've been brewing and stewing and thinking and contemplating. I read a blog post that a Facebook friend had shared awhile back. Some of you may have seen it already but here's the link for it. 

FYI-If You're a Teenage Girl

At first I was all good for you, but the more I read the more unsettled I became and I just couldn't put my finger on it. I also read the comments and that's when I realized what was bothering me. The idea that boys/men are not responsible for how they view girls/women. It's all on the  ladies. I am having difficulty expressing my thoughts lately, and I want to respond but I don't think I can do it in a thoughtful way because I truly believe this woman means well for her children.  So I found a response that hits the nail on the head so to speak and says what I'd like to.  Here's the article. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3894501

I guess what I'm struggling with a bit is the whole idea of critical thinking and how our words define who we are. We are our words. It's how we communicate (I know we our actions too but usually those actions line up with what we say.)  In social interactions we rely on visual cues and tone of voice to help us interpret the words we hear. It's a package deal. But in the online world we no longer have those visual or auditory cues (unless its a video). We rely strictly on the written word. I was taught in school to think critically. To evaluate an idea or a concept or opinion based on reason.  To look beyond the surface. Part of that evaluation is using my own experience and moral compass-my filter if you will - but to always acknowledge  that filter. In reading the comments I realized there is not a lot of that critical thinking going on any more. Or realizing that it is a human being behind those words. I freely admit I don't always look beyond the surface.  

You will note in Mrs Hall's post she's edited it based on some of the comments. The surface comments. She totally missed the deeper message. I am unsure if some of those more critically thoughtful comments are still there as they don't jive with her view. 

There is so much more I could talk about with regards to the posts and critical thinking but my thoughts are scattered this morning and I can't pull them together enough. So I  encourage you to read both posts and the comments and to look beyond the surface. 

Please feel free to comment however you so choose. Maybe your viewpoint will be the focus I need gather my thoughts and continue exploring this idea. 

Crying in the Middle of the Kitchen Floor

Another week, another round of Chemo.  It seems almost like a never ending cycle.  And each time I go for chemo, they keep tweaking my extra drugs to manage my side effects.  Some weeks are better than others. I have eventually graduated to the expensive pills.  Fortunately for me, and other cancer patients, the Manitoba government is now covering all cancer drugs including the all side effect management ones.  Go Manitoba go.  Of course they still don't pay for genetic testing for colon cancers, only for breast or ovarian.  And yet more people get colon cancer than breast or ovarian.  I guess colon cancer isn't pink enough. HA! 

I apologize if this post isn't as positive or cheery or thoughtful as my other ones.  Its just sometimes the going is tougher than others and it is much harder to maintain a positive attitude when those weeks hit.  But it is all a part of the journey. Some days will be harder, and crying in the middle of the kitchen floor seems like a far more appropriate response than finding the lighter side. 

I do try to find positives in those weeks.  It helps sometimes.  I've managed to get my self hooked into doing a huge craft sale in October.  I had to send in photos of my work to get accepted. Holy crazy batman, what have I done to myself?  But it does give me something to focus on that has nothing to do with my cancer.  I think that is helpful, is finding things that have nothing to do with the cancer and just going for it.  I think I'm crazy to do this craft show.  I don't have near enough art, but again, it will give me something to do, and I have lots of time to get ready. 

I think you have to maintain as much of a life outside the cancer as you can.  Things to do and focus on.  Maybe not what you normally do, but something.  Do what you like when you can. Its way better than sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and crying.

Things will get better, I know they will.  Sometimes its harder to see that then others.

I promise the next blog post will be way better. I'm participating in a blog hop.  Should be lots of fun.

Here's some info on it.  This is a group of wonderful creative ladies who are supportive and positive and just fantabulous.  Check back May 5th and join the fun.

Leaving the Front Door Open

I got asked on my last post in what way has cancer changed the way I look at my life and what I see differently then I did before.  Friends always ask the difficult questions. At least Greg does. 

I have to admit that this is not my first brush with a life changing event.  A couple of years ago I ended up being life flighted to Winnipeg for emergency repairs.  I lost over half my blood volume to sheer stupidity on my part.  I won't go into details. I don't regret what I did, but it certainly wasn't one of the smarter things I've done.  Lying in the hospital bed after surgery, I had a lot of time to think on what was important to me, and I came to the conclusion that relationships were. 

Family is funny.  You love them, but a lot of times you don't like them, and sometimes you say and do things to family members that you would never say and do to your friends, colleagues, strangers.  I just shake my head thinking of all that wasted time.  At that point in my life I started to repair the relationships that had fallen by the wayside because it was easier to let them go, then to try and fix them.  It wasn't easy.  There was a lot of animosity and anger and hurt, some of it legitimately my fault.  Some of it was by association; families are complicated.  I went into this whole endeavour with the idea that I didn't want to go back to the way our relationship was before things went south, but to start a new one.  Accept responsibility for my actions, apologize, and make a concerted attempt to start anew.  I am very happy to say, its worked more or less.  I also decided to put in as much effort as the other person was willing to, and accept that is the way its going to be.  Its rather freeing to accept people for who they are.  Sometimes I backslide, but its a lot easier now to not get hurt because someone doesn't email me back.  Their reasons have nothing to do with me.  That was a hard lesson to get through, but it was easier once I realized that when I didn't contact people it was because of my issues, not theirs.

So that was the beginning of the change in the way of looking at the world and my life.  I am not the centre of the universe.  As much as I like to think I am, I am not.  I started looking at what was really important to me.  What did I need to live a happy and satisfied life.  I changed jobs, I started doing things I'd not done before.  I opened myself up to new experiences and new people.  Its been an awesome change.  Another point for serendipity. 

Then cancer, and once again I'm realizing that life is way too short, and anything can happen.  I am starting to see that living each day as if its your last is not a bad way to live.  But I'm trying hard to live it unselfishly.  Its hard.  Really hard.  I can't be there reliably for my children, my family, my friends, work.  It is all about me right now, and its very hard to balance that.

I'm starting to notice details..things I never really seen before, like hawks, and bugs, and how beautiful everything is. And of course the crazy things my two labs do.  Like how Gracie sleeps.

I am more appreciative of the support from friends and family and people I don't know all that well.  And I'm letting them help me.  I find that although I don't have the energy to do  things to help people, I am more free with kind and supportive words.  It really does come back to you. 

I'm thinking of things I can do to make my piece of the planet a better one.  We recycle more.  I'm looking at doing a garden this year.  Not a full blown one, but containers.  I'm buying more local and more in season things.  That is harder to do when you are on a fixed budget, but every little bit helps.  Also, because of the side effects of my treatment, there are only certain things I can eat, so its harder to buy local and seasonal, but I try. 

I am starting to do things that I enjoy, and to learn new things like sketching!  Things that bring me peace and happiness.  I plan on exploring in my own back yard this summer.  I may not be able to get in much camping, but day trips are fun, and I'll take my camera and my sketch book, and my kids (if they want to) and just go explore Riding Mountain National Park.  Its 10 minutes from my house to the south gate.  Last spring and fall, I went on a photo safari with Celes Davar of Earth Rhythms as a birthday present for each of my kids.  I never knew what was in my own back yard. Prairie flowers and Beautiful Girl.

I'm not sure how much any of this makes sense.  I'm still struggling with the why me, but as each day goes by I think less of why me and more of what's around me and what I have to be thankful for.  I'm alive, and I have wonderful family and friends and colleagues and acquaintances who inspire me.  I live in a beautiful province with amazing nature and culture and people in my very own back yard.  Just last week ( I think it was last week)  I went to a house concert and met the most amazing poet, Shane Koyczan.  That man took us on a very personal journey of his childhood that had us laughing and crying all in the space of less than 10 minutes. I would go as far as to call him a wordsmith.  A year ago, I never would have even thought to go to a house concert, never mind go see a poet. 

I think this is what has changed in how I look at my life and how I see things differently.  I am leaving my front door open to the possibilities and wonder that are all around me.

The First Step

Where does one begin?

I've thought a lot about putting fingers to the keyboard and never really gotten around to actually doing it. What would I say? Who would even want to read it? And so I never got around to it.

Then it happened. The big C. Cancer. 42 years old and I have colon cancer. No warning, no symptoms, no signs. Went to BC for Christmas vaction and ended up having emergency surgery Christmas day. Not how I'd intended on spending my holidays, but there it was. And now everything has changed. My whole life is turned upsidedown. And not just mine either. My kids too.

This is making me question everything. I am a big believer in fate and that things happen for a reason. I'm struggling with what's the reason for this. Why did it happen? What on earth could be the purpose. One answer is that Uncle Murphy likes me way too much, but that's too easy.

My sister suggested that I start a blog. If I'm going through this then so are others. And we each have our own unique way of dealing with cancer and struggling with the question of "why me?" She has found all kinds of help and useful insights on parenting by reading blogs. If I do this, if I share this, then I am not alone and neither is someone else. Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

I'm hoping by doing this I will be able to find answers. They may not be the answers, but they will be answers.

So this is my first step on my journey: share my journey.